(music: Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester)
This post is just to set things straight - for myself.
Spending half my month's pay the day I get it is probably mathematically and logically unsound. But half of that half was essential expenditure, so it's justifiable, right?
Let's see, $50 was for EZ-link bus concession, which means I don't have to worry about transportation costs for the rest of the month.
$60 was spent on 3 pairs of monthly contact lenses, which I was in dire need of, since my eyes were dying with the old ones. I bought CIBA Vision high oxygen permeable lenses, which my eyes are loving. :D
So I spent $20 per month for the next 3 months. Which means actually $40 can be allocated to the next two months' pays, brought forward.
I spent about $50 on Lyssa's birthday gift. And I couldn't have avoided it, right? Especially since I always "borrowed" cash from Lyssa without her knowledge. LOL. Her gift was necessary.
And then $65 was paid to Tim for the graduation night ticket. And that was also inevitable. I already bought the ticket, so I had to pay off the debt.
So I spent only $60 to indulge myself, on a top and a pair of jeans. And $60 on a top and jeans is really not bad a deal, right?
Right.
The airport has been decorated with all the usual X'mas stuff, tinsel and wreaths and whatever. I feel pressured into buying gifts for people. Actually I'm bullshitting. I love buying gifts for people, whether or not there's external pressure from the décor. :P
Okay, this year I'll only spend $100 on X'mas gifts. And gifts are about the joy of giving, and spreading it to more people, not the quantity spent on each gift, right? So I shall allocate appropriately.
It's not important to buy expensive. It's important to let everyone dear to me know I cherish them. Right, right, right.
You know what else is mathematically and logically unsound? Starbucks.
I was browsing through their Christmas catalogue, and tiny (albeit cute, I admit) keychains of miniature iced/hot cup ornaments are $10 each!
But what really attracted me was this mug with a candy cane handle. No way will I buy it. I bet half the attraction is just having the Starbucks logo on it. Which doesn't make sense, because I don't even like coffee! I will beat this crazy consumerist shit.
Between now and Christmas, I will only drink one hot dark cherry mocha, one hot toffee nut latte, and one toffee nut latte frappe (I'm not much of a peppermint fan). Must schedule it nicely, but not miss the festive drinks. They're only available once a year, so it's justifiable.
Unless I ask Syafiqin if it's possible to make toffee nut latte at other times of the year.
Labels: good girls go bad, money matters
Inked in pink at 10:12 AM |
0 pink thinkers
(BUT YOU DON'T, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE ME)
(music: Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? - Paula Cole)
How long has it been since I last blogged a proper blogpost? Like a non-depressing, non-angsty post. It's been too damn long 'cos I can't remember the last one.
So. To start this one off, I have 3 of the most adorable photos I've seen recently.
Meet my new loverboy, my baby tiger. Think cute little pink upside-down-triangular nose. Think soft paws with retractable claws. Think Hobbes (as in the comic character) in terms of intellect.
Like seriously I have got to stop it with the animal role-playing with all the guys in my life, hahaha. It's cute but it borders on freaky when we start pretending we've got fur and tails and make up animal noises.
Awwww, but I can't deny tiger cubs are cute! And koala cubs too. Koala cubs who will crawl into your oversized shirt and snuggle with you and warm you with her fur... Okay, as I was saying, I've got to stop.
Can't help it lah, I ♥ animals. I should start a zoological collection of sorts, see which boyfriend can act as which of my favourite animals.
I want a penguin next. Or a kangaroo! Kangaroos with pouches that you can hide and snuggle in and stick your head out of while they protect you from the world. Marsupials and their pouches for the win. :D
Eh I'm supposed to stop this nonsense. Yep, *coughcough* stop. Being a human being is so boring. We've got no fur, no pouches, no tails to play with. So unadorable. LOL.
So anyway, enough of my animal addiction. Here's a quick recap of October.
On the 8th-9th, I pulled a really long stint without sleep. See, on the 8th, a Thursday, I was due for a night shift. I had some debates stuff to do (at the time I was still in team 1, now no longer the case), so I had no sleep in the afternoon.
I thought I'd be able to get some sleep at work but it turns out it was a really busy night, so no sleep at all in the 12 hours at the airport.
Next morning, I expected to crash and burn at home, but breaking news was that my mum had gotten an appendix inflammation or something of the sort, so the family went to visit her at the hospital.
I thought it'd be a fast trip and I wanted to wish her luck before the surgery.
We were almost at the hospital around 1pm, when we found out Lyssa was home from school and Lyssa wanted to join us to see Mum. We drove all the way back to fetch her before finally reaching the hospital. It was a true case of SNAFU.
I was very, very stoned while with Mum. Assuming I'd woken up at my standard wake-up time of 10am on the day before (Thursday), I'd been awake for approximately 28 hours straight, not a wink of sleep.
I told my stepdad to get a can of Red Bull, 'cos that stuff really works for me and keeps me awake.
Turns out they had a rip-off product of Red Bull called Gold Cow. I didn't drink it 'cos I was scared it was unsafe for consumption with a wrong mix of chemicals or whatsoever. I dunno why I'm turning into such a paranoid person, it's so not the "do-I-care?" me.
Actually, it probably had less to do with the drink itself than the fact that the image/branding is so sad. I mean, seriously, Gold Cow?
We were fever-free! :)
Oh oh! Aqilah wanted to keep the sticker so she could wear it the next day if we visited Mum again. She didn't get the idea that we'd need a new sticker for a new day, hehe.
My mum's wheelchair number is 28. :D
After dilly-dallying around, my family finally went home.
Not that I got to sleep. I had more debates stuff to type out. When I was done, I went to school to find Blob who was doing his own debates assignments. Then we headed for Maurice's birthday chalet in Changi.
We reached the chalet super late 'cos we got off the taxi at a wrong lane and we had to make a huge detour. Blob and I were thinking of walking up a hill to the correct chalet bungalow but he said he was scared I'd be bitten by snakes (I was wearing slippers) and I was scared of ghosts.
What! It was really dark and the trees were scary-looking, kay.
Chalet was okay, I think I'd have been in a better mood if I hadn't been so tired. We left after about only 2 hours. I got home around 11pm, by the time I bathed and got to bed it was midnight.
I was finally getting to sleep after 38 hours! You have no idea how much I needed the rest. I was just feeling so burned out the entire Friday, I was actually surprised my brain was still working at my debates assignments in the late afternoon.
Saturday, we went back to the hospital to see my mum. She'd had her surgery done on Friday night. At the hospital, I told Lyssa I felt geli, which means something like squeamish, except I think geli conveys the meaning so much better.
It actually makes me shudder, thinking of blood and the sight of anything anatomically unsound, so when my mum wanted to show us her wound, I just wanted to gag. Lyssa then told me she felt geli too.
But later on, when we were downstairs in the canteen, Lyssa said, "actually, I dunno whether I was feeling geli or just hungry." LOL LOL LOL ROFLOL.
I entertained my sisters (all 3 of them, including Lyssa) while having lunch by acting out this nonsensical skit thing with my spoon and a bowl of porridge and some chilli.
I made it look like the spoon was drowning in the porridge, and with a high-pitched screechy voice, went "help! help!" and apparently there were sharks in the waters, and the spoon bled. Which is where the chilli came in.
The little sisters were pretty amused and kept asking me to do it again. Which proves I can so do funny when I want to. Yep.
We went outside to the garden/fish pond for my parents to chat and my sisters and I to just hang out. The fish there were pretty damn big.
See those greyish-blue fish? They're probably as big as my thigh (which is really pretty big, to anyone with doubt in their minds), and would be enough for all three of my meals in a day. There may even be leftovers. :O
The silhouettes remind me of sharks.
Which reminds me, I totally dislike sea/water creatures. Fish, frogs, sharks, whales, crocodiles, alligators, walruses, seals, and all in the water family. Of course, dolphins are almost an exception because they are so smart and pretty cute, but even then, they can be vile.
It's so scary, how some of these creatures are so deceitful. Cute and docile when they're young, but they can turn into the cruellest things in a second. Plus the fact that they are so well-hidden in the water.
I hate the fact that you don't know whether they're there around you and when they're coming. Plus the scales and stuff. So gross. So geli.
Omigoodness how much have I dedicated to animals in this post? This is turning into animalplanet.com.
Anyway, I was damn fascinated with one particular poor fish.
It had a really thick bottom lip, which made it look like it was infected or something. And it was hanging out alone the whole time, so I thought maybe it really was discriminated for looking different from the rest (either by species or by lip size).
Looks like it went for a collagen injection to plump up its lips.
About 3 weeks ago, Amanda and I were on night shift, and the T1 DTM for the night was Simon! Woo you can imagine my excitementz hehehehe.
Before we roved around the terminals, we went to fetch Yangyang on the buggy. Both YY and Simon were boasting about their buggy feats and adventures, so Simon said "We've been everywhere on the buggy! Even in skytrain... No la bluff you one."
So candid and cute! *melts*
Then we ferried some retail guy friend of theirs from T1 to T3, and the guy sat upfront with Simon.
So Yangyang, Amanda and I were at the back seat. Yangyang said, "paiseh sit so close" and he gave an extremely feminine giggle and pretended to use a piece of paper as a separation between my thigh and his. LOL so gay please.
Simon heard Yangyang so he said,
"Eh, if no space, Sarah can sit on my lap la!"And my heart was just palpitating, I had to bite the sides of my mouth to keep from grinning. Le sigh.
Afterwards, we went over to T3's TOCC office to give a "make-over" to the desk of one of their DTMs whose birthday was the next day. They are damn enthusiastic in such matters.
When we arrived, it was already looking like this:
But nooo, Simon and Yangyang still not satisfied with what the T3 DTMs had done.
So they decided to do a drawing of a body with an erect penis, and stick it under a photo of the birthday guy. In the process, these gems of phrases were collected.
"Yours don't look like cock! Where's the bulu konek(pubic hair)? No one can draw a penis as well as I can." - Simon ChewHe said it like he's damn proud of such a thing. LOL.
Then Amanda and I, being interns, were given the sai kang(shit work) to do. We were made to cut out the body and limbs of the drawing. Initally we were hesitant to participate in such a heinous crime, but Yangyang said,
"You are accomplices already! Got your fingerprints on the scissors!"so there we were, blackmailed into cutting out the hands and legs of the birthday boy. Luckily Simon cut out the penis drawing himself (I wanted to type "cut out his own penis" but don't mind me).
Can you see the bulu konek on the scrotum? They even coloured the head (I dunno what the scientific term is!) red. So realistic right.
Overall, quite a cool makeover for the first time I'm seeing a birthday person's corporate desk being sabotaged.
After that entire episode, we had supper at Kopitiam, where I had prata, yumz.
Throughout the night, Yangyang kept making jibes at me when I laughed (you know my loud booming guffaws) and he said, "eh future stewardess cannot laugh like that! must cover mouth and giggle softly" which he demonstrated.
They all keep making fun of my stewardess aspirations.
Even on my latest night shift, Adrian repeatly said to me "chicken or fish? oh sorry we're out of chicken". Sigh. I'm kinda upset that I'm always the target of insults and teasing, in every social circle/environment I'm in. >:(
Anywaaays, back to that night. Amanda and I were left alone for a while. So I took photos to occupy myself.
(you can click this photo to enlarge and see the one I'm referring to)
I was looking at this board outside T3's butterfly garden, and I saw this species called the atlas moth. I've never seen it before! It's gorgeous, both the shape of its wings and the pattern. I hope I see it sometime.
Amanda is very attracted to this display. She has an Absolut Vodka collection.
2 days later, while on day shift, Amanda and I were sent on an errand to take photos of LAG-compatible bottles sold in Terminal 1. (LAGs are liquids, aerosols, gels - passengers have to carry them in bottles of maximum 100ml capacity, blah, blah, blah.)
We found 2 kinds.
Inadvertently, I took a photo of the second one in front of some condoms (the bottle rack was right next to them!). So when we brought it back to show Hussein (who had sent us on the errand), he showed it to Simon and said I'd done it on purpose.
And Simon said.....
"Okamoto better."Good for him and his wife lor.
4 days after that, on another morning shift, we looked through the DTM duty phone, 'cos we were so bored and the phone was with us, anyway. We saw a few incriminating things.
This one, in the sent messages folder, Amanda and I surmised to be sent from Simon. He's the only DTM who'd say "dear dear" from our knowledge.
This one was a perplexing message.
But this final one takes the cake! We saw many which were grammatically wrong and spelling-wise, horrible. But this one contains one of the most ridiculous, preposterous, vocabularily impossible words I've ever seen!
UNBURANCE. It's like some damn cheena (no offence) person overheard someone say "unburance" in a thick drawl and he thought it was a sophisticated Caucasian accent or something.
Enough about work. I've got a lot more to say but I'll compile the photos and words for other posts. I just learnt about a juicy scandal but that's one secret I'll never tell (Gossip Girl reference, for the uninitiated :P).
Two Thursdays ago was my mum's birthday. I fixed brunch for the family.
Scrambled eggs, sausages, Popeye's mashed potato and biscuit with maple syrup. Nothing extraordinary but I wouldn't mind waking up to such a breakfast more often than not.
I always liked my eggs fluffy and sweeter, so I beat the eggs with a teaspoon of condensed milk. My mum said it was a tad too sweet. :(
We went for dinner at Sakae Sushi at Northpoint. The conveyor belt there sucks. Totally took damn long for fresh sushi to be added.
The mouse was cute, though.
So was the kids' meal.
I ordered a spicy soup thing, which I thought was a small appetizer but was enough to be my main course. There was a lot of junk (as in good junk) inside, like vermicelli, tofu, mushrooms, fishcake and all sorts of veggies. I liked it. :)
On the way home, my stepdad was acting like a weirdo with my youngest sister Arina's jacket wrapped around his head like a turban. He said he was feeling cold. Then my mum played along with the terrorist act and pretended to aim and shoot at other passing cars with a bottle of water.
I tell you, my family brings the word dysfunctional to a whole new level.
But it's okay, the woman was turning a year older on that day so we'll excuse her nonsense. :D
So that's it for the month of October. Got a lot more stuff about work I'll probably blog about soon. Plus videos of my family and debaters. Plus Han and myself and our try-too-hard Gossip Girl/Lady Gaga adventures. :P
Labels: animal addiction, most dysfunctional family ever, sakae sushi, where have all the cowboys gone, work and colleagues
Inked in pink at 8:58 PM |
0 pink thinkers
I am at work.
Despite the fact that we commenced our internship on 9 September, and it is 31 October now. Almost 2 months and we still have not received even our first pay. Nope, not even a single cent.
Whilst the interns at other companies are waiting for their second checks. Maybe even the batch who've just flown off to Maldives have got it better than us. At least they're in Maldives now.
The excuse they gave us, was that they forgot.
Hmm let me see. If I told my tutor I forgot about a class, and attended it late, or don't attend it at all - I just wonder if it would be accepted and I would be excused.
Maybe so.
But if I told 8 tutors that I forgot all 8 classes, how then?
Because the fact is that there are 8 different interns with Changi Airport, and they conveniently forgot about all 8 of us.
Eight. Maybe if they missed out one and I'm the one, fine. How do you justify forgetting a batch of eight people? You can't. It's an excuse.
You know, maybe the other 7 interns can live with it. Maybe they're rich. Maybe their parents are used to forking out loads of cash for their daily expenses.
Well, mine aren't. I can't afford being out and about for whole days and nights, and spending more than $10 overnight at the airport (because trust me, you do get hungry and the airport isn't a cheap place).
I'm not rich. My stepdad is currently not working, God knows why but I don't.
My dad never gives us money, so he's totally out of the question.
I cannot stand depending on my mum anymore. It makes me feel like I have no independence.
Her control of my freedom directly correlates to how much money I get from her, which means my freedom is inversely related to the money I have. More money = less freedom. I cannot stand.
So screw(I have no problem with expletives, but just in case some higher authority sees this, I suppose screw is better than the effffff word - screw's a tool) you, CAG. Give me my money. I deserve my 2 months' pay.
I give it till 5 November, latest. Otherwise I swear I will take it up to some higher authority. Someone, somewhere will make you pay me. I don't care who.
I am at work. I should have just clean forgotten to come to work, and see what they say.
Labels: money matters
Inked in pink at 11:27 AM |
1 pink thinkers
(DON'T JUMP)
I think fear is a very interesting emotion.
As I've heard a few times from my debating coach Aji, everything you do is with regards to what you already feel or what you want to feel.
Some people do things to achieve happiness. Some people do things just for fun. Some court exhilaration.
I think the biggest motivation in everyone's life is fear. I wouldn't say only extraordinary things are done by people with irrational fears, but it definitely makes them act out of the ordinary.
Only people who are scared of losing something would do things that they wouldn't normally do.
The fear of being alone, the fear of being judged, the fear of fear, everything that people are scared of, they are willing to avoid at all costs.
Some people do things that they don't know for sure will benefit them, they pray and they confide in a God that has never been proven true, because they are scared. They have been told that non-believers are punished.
They are scared of this promised treatment in the afterlife.
Whether it exists or not and whether anything will really happen, humans are safe creatures, and we tend to err on the side of caution.
Therefore, we believe that in the event that there is a God, and there is an afterlife, then we will be treated well as subscribers to a faith. But the others, those who don't believe, well *shudders* we're too scared to even think of what will happen to them.
In the event that there is no higher being who decides what happens to us after death, then no harm done as a believer. At least we lived morally-guided lives (or so we'd like to think).
It is a fear of the unknown that guides us.
Some people are able to conquer this fear, and internally rationalise how they live their lives without being brainwashed and coerced into a "protective umbrella" that is, more often than not, a religion.
Others believe this fear is for the better of society.
I, also, do think fear can be a useful tool. Although it makes some people lose their rationale and simply do things they're told like they've been programmed in such a way, it also makes other people stay ordinary.
I've lost hope, again and again. But I've always been scared of pain. I've always feared hurting the people who care for me if I gave up. I've always been scared of the unknown. And that's why I've never ended it all.
Inked in pink at 4:18 PM |
0 pink thinkers
(movie: 500 Days of Summer)
I will not lie. (500) Days of Summer is a feel-bad movie.
It started out with the narrator stating that it was not a love movie.
Funnily enough, both B and I (and probably the rest of the theatre, by logic of movie-goer association) still hoped that it would be a love movie. And we anticipated a love movie.
Which might explain our initial reactionary feelings towards the movie when it ended, but that's for later.
About three-quarters of the show depict the guy's undying, mad love for the girl of his dreams. It's sweet, it's romantic. It's the story of every relationship. IKEA shopping, music-taste-matching, you know the works.
This girl of his dreams, with no consideration towards how hard he fell in love with her and how much he tried to win her over, never committed.
She apparently didn't believe in love. The girl was a really bitter one who wouldn't let anyone in, such were the negative repercussions of her own parents' divorce.
They split up, it broke his heart.
She then got married, to someone else. It broke his heart again. It broke our hearts.
In one of the closing scenes, this stupid bitch tells the guy that he was right all along. That there was such a thing as love, and she finally believed it.
But, she continues, what he hadn't been right about was her. So all his love towards her was just not "meant to be".
And God help us, this guy with quite charming boyish looks, and the perpetual heartache over the girl, just made us feel for him like his life was the lives we were living. Or at least that's what B and I felt. B and I are just pathetic, miserable people that way.
In the end, guy meets a new girl, and it somewhat points to a better relationship which might work out.
Point is, depressing movie though it was, I found it such a welcome refreshing change from all the done-to-death romance flicks.
Yes, people are sick of the misery and loneliness and torturous conflicts in their own lives. So they turn to movies as a form of escapism. So movie makers keep on producing shows where love always brings a happily ever after.
The underlying problem is that escapism is half the root of the problem! Some idealists just refuse to see reality and they're so comfortable with feel-good ideas where all problems can be solved, and all relationships can be worked out if you just want it to.
And then when these idealists face real problems and real relationships, they're not able to handle them well, because - surprise, surprise - it wasn't what they saw in the media, it wasn't what they expected.
Hello, reality check, please.
Yes, escapism is necessary. You can't have people with depressed lives going to watch even more depressing movies all the time, and feeling so depressed they wanna kill themselves.
At the same time, people need to realise that there are love stories that just aren't meant to be.
Just because Tom (main guy in 500 Days of Summer) didn't get to marry the girl of his dreams doesn't mean he's got to kill himself. He was just spending his love on the wrong person, someone who didn't wanna cooperate and love him back.
That doesn't mean love doesn't exist. It does. Anyone who watches the movie would be convinced that what Tom felt for Summer was pure, unadulterated, pushing-boundaries kinda love.
But love, it is not special from everything else. This is what people have been getting wrong. It is not perfect. Everything won't fall into place the moment you feel love. Expecting love to always work out is pure stupidity.
Love exists like everything else, with pain and hurt and misery and all other negativity. And the only way for people to be able to deal with it, to not always want to commit suicide when their love fails, is to realise shit happens to anyone and everyone.
Shit like being in love with someone whom you know you'd feel happiest spending your life with, and not having your love reciprocated by that person. Knowing that you're not, and will never be, the person to make your loved one as happy as they make you. Inadequacy, much?
But it happens and, like everything else in the world, failed love is just another human error. Not choosing the correct person to fall in love with. Not knowing who you can depend on, whom will also depend on you.
Anyway, I'm glad B finally got round to admit that it was a good movie. (Hehehe I knew you couldn't say it sucks, although you hated watching it.)
'Cos it is a damn good love (or non-love) movie if there ever was one. Firstly, because it is much needed in the relationship sector in the media. It's true to life.
Secondly, the show itself was just done well. It was, at times, outrightly funny. (Penis!) The techniques were interesting, too, when the couple or just Tom alone was in the cinema watching movies. At times, the movie was downright depressing. But every part of it worked well.
We might have left feeling conflicted; not knowing what to think, how to feel. But a good show done well is a good show done well, and I recommend that you watch this.
(--Oh yeah, soundtrack was nice too.)
Labels: (500) days of summer
Inked in pink at 1:50 AM |
0 pink thinkers
The last time I had this many people commenting on how much weight I've lost, how much smaller my frame is, how I look malnourished, was last year, after Maurice and I had broken up.
I suppose, in the past month, my appetite probably had diminished. It's not a conscious starvation because I do eat when I'm hungry.
I think I may feel less secure when I'm not attached, or have a partner loving me, or you get my drift. And because of this, I need to think of what people think of me, constantly.
My brain and body work faster than my mind can catch up with.
When I was very young, I used to think people who ended their own lives were very stupid. I would feel that they were so careless, and unappreciative. So narrow-minded, to only see the negative.
At that age, I never saw any sense in suicide. Never. I thought I'd always be the smart person who'd see so much in my life, who'd cherish everything and everybody.
When I got a bit older, but still young, probably in primary school, I remember we'd all make fun if a boy had any contact with another boy. It'd be really weird, and it would be the subject of teasing. Like "Eee! Joseph hold hands with Thomas!"
I never thought it was a real issue. That guys could have romantic feelings for guys and girls with girls. Until maybe in secondary school, when it suddenly somehow dawned on me that certain people were gay.
And that word was such a taboo. Unless you were describing a boy with an effeminate nature. But the sexual preference? I never heard it discussed openly till I came to this tertiary institution I call my school.
When I got still older, I heard about issues like premarital sex, unplanned pregnancies, teenage abortions. I'd always think it was a faraway thing. The closest I'd expected it to get to me was maybe somewhere in my distant family.
Throughout all that time, growing up, I'd always had set ideals in my mind.
I knew I believed in love. I was (and still am) one of those suckers who would fall for the most recycled love plot in a romantic movie. I used to really think I had a Prince Charming, one guy, who would be my husband, and our love would last forever (till death do us part, etc).
And I am that person now. I am willing to do much, a lot of which is illogical and inexplicable and against my better judgment, for the sake of love (or what I think love is).
But growing up, I also saw, through very close firsthand examples within my direct family, cases where I'd think "why is she so stupid? why can't she learn from her (his) mistake?". When my mum and aunts endure heartache and suffering inflicted by their husbands.
There are, I can see, women who would make the saddest, most extreme excuses for their husbands' disgusting behaviour and treatment towards their family (including mine).
And then, through personal conviction - not by reading nor outside education - I learnt about women's rights and the feminist movement. I wanted to not be a stupid woman. I wanted to stand up for myself.
I promised myself, I will divorce and leave my sorry ass of a husband the instant a) I find out he has any romantic feelings/relations with any female other than myself or b) he acts physically abusive towards me.
Because I could see no reason why my mum and aunts would forgive the men in their lives.
Until I fell hard, in love.
Then I saw how much I was willing to do for the person I love. His imperfections to the rest of the world, they don't exist for me. I was gushing and gushing about him, all stops pulled out.
My best friend dislikes the last guy I love, and I was defending him, this guy whom I'd known for 2 years, versus my best friend of close to 7 years. It was irrational, and yet there it was. I was blind to love.
No, of course I'm not saying my B cheated on me or was violent or whatever. But I so know where it would have headed to.
I was so completely besotted with this one guy, I'm so sure I'd have actually made up nonsensical excuses for him if he had. Just to push for my ideal of an "everlasting love" that will work through all odds.
And that's the problem with being idealistic. Someone who's an idealist, like myself, who has already believed in one ideal, is probably likely to equally believe in another ideal. Because we're just gullible and optimistic that way.
And when we have all these different ideals in mind, something's gotta give. There will always be a clash, and we're gonna be forced to choose. There's no such thing as a perfect ideal with no compromise.
As is the case with death.
Having been brought up as a Muslim, the number one cardinal sin I learnt was to take my own life. I was told that God had given human beings lives, and only God should have the sole control over how life starts and ends.
Religion is very effective brainwash.
No, I'm not gonna go defend/criticise religion in this post.
All I can say is, as I became older and I got more exposed to life, I lost more hope. In fact, more than just losing hope, I was able to convince myself that I had nothing to lose if my life ended. It was not unlike the reasons I'd heard from emos, where they saw no meaning in life.
I sometimes feel pretty much the same.
As much as I try to be the really perky, happy Sarah who smiles and laughs and has fun even throughout all her really messed up problems; even with people who piss on me thinking it's gonna be okay - she's used to being teased and picked on, it's her role to just accept it - I think most of it is a lie.
Sometimes I get tired, like everyone else. Sometimes I want to give up.
There goes my ideal of being the cherishing, appreciative person who never takes things for granted.
It's impossible. Life and ideals don't go along together. If there is any word that should go into the dictionary of words with definitions that don't exist, that word is idealism. You can't force it, just stop wasting your energy.
I don't know why this post ended up being such a killjoy.
Labels: musings
Inked in pink at 10:00 PM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: 8 Become 1 - Norwegian Recycling)
Because Hari Raya is the second occasion I look forward to every year (apart from my birthday), here is a detailed account of how I spent this joyous event since close to 3 weeks ago.
On the first day, we went to my grandma's house first, as is customary for my family. When Wak Misah's family arrived, my grandma asked whether my cousin Faiz had ridden his motorbike there, his mum said "dah hensem, rambut lawar, takkan naik motor".
He hadn't wanted to mess up his nicely gelled hair, apparently. Heh.
Cik Sang was supposed to take a photo of us, and he was trying to punk us by taking a video instead. (You know that stupid trick, where the photographer keeps saying "smile" or "say cheese" and in the end, you get a 2-minute long video.)
Problem was, my uncle didn't even click the button to start filming the video, LOL. Punk'd fail.
Before we left my grandma's house for Yai Man's place, the Manchester derby match was about to start. Only got to see the line-up. But it was okay. 'Cos even throughout travelling, I got SMS updates from Cik Sang, and Viv (which she got through her dad! LOL) and Blob.
♥ Hazwani's outfit! She wore a chiffon/satin-layered prom dress with pants. In pink! Can die of love. She's damn innovative. :D
Aper cik kak termenung ni.. :P
We went down to the void deck to play "concentration". Oni's brother Izat also wearing pink! (Y)
While travelling in the van on both the first and second days, Nabilah and I pretended we were clubbing. We kept dancing to random songs. Macam takde kerja. Clubbing in baju kurung!
TAK SENONOH (indecent) EH - for some reason I can picture Syafiqin saying this.
This is the syiok sendiri girl, she think she Lady Gaga, got paparazzi chasing her.
Inilah abang saudara saya, Mat-Mat motor.
I like families who coordinate the colour of their clothes, especially Wak Misah's. The individual designs are different and personalised but there is a standard theme. So fun! My family never bothers. :(
At Nyai Zizah's house, Blob called to tell me the final results of the Manchester derby: 4-3! HAHAHA I was expecting Man U to lose 'cos Blob was watching the match but oh-so-thankfully the curse was lifted, and United won, woohooo!
Nyai Zizah's son (dunno what his name is) was just saying it was 3-3 from the cable channel in his room, and everyone had thought that'd be the final update, but then I got the most recent news, and there we were, all the Man U fans in the family cheered up again. :) :)
As Blob said once, Manchester City is just there to make Manchester United look better with their wins. :D
This would be my favourite photo from the first night - except that long strand of hair that is down my face; why oh why can't my hair stay in place. >:(
Second day starts off with my sisters being cute.
In the van, Aqilah was playing her alphabet game (she says a letter and you just gotta say any word that starts with her mentioned letter), watch her stumble on "mermaid". It's funny when she confuses herself. :D
First house was Nyai Ya's, the place famous for the crunchy popiah-like kueh.
I remember we were all (aunts included) rushing to get our share from the jar last year. It was the hottest thing and ran out damn fast!
Kita berposing at the glam couch - Oni's kain/skirt damn matching la!
More merepek/tak senonoh photos can be found on Facebook.
From the first house, we moved on to Embah's house. She's damn cute, I think her memory isn't very sharp so when she first saw our family members, she mixed everyone up. She thought some people's husbands were their sons, etc.
When Wak Misah was introducing Faiz (I think), Embah said, "eh, dulukan gemuk! (eh, didn't he used to be fat?)" I think she was recalling Faizal instead. LOL I found that hilarious.
Poor Embah, her family seems to be embroiled in conflicts and crises. We listened to her (all the kids pretending to be busy but actually eavesdropping). She was telling our grandmother and aunties about her great-grandson whose parents leave in Embah's care.
"Namanya Mamat, Mamat siapa aku pun tak tahu lah (his name is Mamat, Mamat what I also dunno)" that was unintentionally really amusing to me, too.
And then in the middle of all her stories, suddenly she exclaimed "Eh bukak kipas tu, kan panas! (eh turn on that fan, it's hot!)" like seriously damn random and anti-climatic. Got no link at all.
We were all engrossed in her detail-rich story (though of course the "underaged" were supposed to be minding our own business). Sigh. Her family is seriously sad and pitiful. Kak Dila teared when talking to the kid about his life. Poor thing. :(
And then that paedophile Nabilah, all she could say was how good-looking he was. He's 5 years old! (I do admit he had a certain charming pretty-boy look, sure handsome when he grows up LOL)
From there, we migrated to Nyai Cat's -as in the animal cat, 'cos her family keeps lots of cats, forgot her real name!- place.
Ma mère et moi.
First house with kueh cornflakes (essentially just cornflakes and honey)! Dunno why not many houses stock anymore! I love this. My favourite!!! I can wipe out one entire container, except people tend to take it away from me. :(
At Nyai Cat's house, we were served really, really nice food, it was worth waiting an entire day to eat. There was duck rendang, damn cool or what. Just my luck, since I love duck. :D All the other dishes were really yummy and popular, too.
(HAHA I ate a lot this season, yet my weight went down! Increased metabolism for the eazy win. I think must be debates causing me too much stress ah. :P)
From there, we proceeded to Wak Misah's house.
My mother took photo of us with the supposed highlight of the background tiles - with the head of the shark cut off. G-double-oh-D-J-O-B, good job! (Y)
*someone should slap my face, it's like I've been programmed to just follow every single influence from Blob D:*
Lyssa agrees to be in photos. Rarity level 1,000,000,000,000,000. Call Stomp! Okay I'm talking nonsense.
Wak Misah's house was fun! We got to see their new kittens Tam-Tam (from Hitam) and Mimi. The black kitten's leg is broken from a really sad accident involving the door and the kitten's body. OUCH.
It's so pitiful, it drags itself around, but it's got a lot of determination and the most heartwrenching, "awww"-inducing, puppy-eye look! Yea, kitten with sad puppy expression. *dies from cuteness overload*
The other one, Mimi, is really playful, and it was attracted to me. I think 'cos my baju had lots of sequins for it to claw at. Mimi kept climbing all over me and into my kain and between my legs. Hehehe naughty kitty. ;/
Mimi keeps overpowering Tam-Tam. >:(
I've got 3 other videos on Youtube, go check them out if you like kittens (which I'm sure you do, because everyone likes kittens ;D)
And zen, it was onwards to yours truly's place!
Apparently Oni and Izat are quite the naturals at GHWT. :)
After my house, we went to Wak Imah's place, and our very successful source of entertainment were our parents/aunts/uncles. They were sharing stories about their childhoods and recounting whose favourite quirky pastime was to eat sand/drink motor oil/remove lice from their hair and press the louse till it bursts. :S
It was hilarious hearing all their anecdotes, which we are not at all familiar with because our environment is so different from their times! I wonder what we'll have to pass on to our kids? Computer games, Facebook incidents? Bleagh. :(
My favourite photo of the night.
On the second weekend of Raya, the debate squad went for Tank's openhouse. KJ and I were really bored so we got the ingenious idea of asking Don to get poker cards on the way over (Tank didn't have his own deck at home D:).
After a few rounds of daidee, though, the rest hijacked the cards and played bluff/snap. It was pretty entertaining just watching them play, though.
They were screaming and giggling over the littlest thing. At first Yat was the one pestering everyone to play snap, proclaiming it was a very fun game, but he wasn't very accustomed to the rules when they finally started playing. -.-
The highlight of the event was definitely the food. I'm pretty sure Tank had nothing to do with the cooking, 'cos it was delicious. Both the mutton and beef rendang and also the opor ayam, wah damn shiok.
I think everyone went for seconds, and even the petite girls took a lot more. :D
Everyone's happy to be eating. :)
This would be a nice complete shot, except Paki has gone missing somewhere behind Don, next to MJ. Dunno what happened, I hope nothing obscene though. D;
We watched So You Think You Can Dance? and there was a contestant who was kinda weird-looking, like a country bumpkin with an ugly haircut.
Maurice said, "this guy looks like Blob"HAHA I think that was the funniest moment at the openhouse. I think MJ can be pretty cute when she's candid. It's not that I didn't wanna stand up for Blob, though. I just don't respond quickly to taunts.
so then MJ gave me a look, and exclaimed, "Sunshine, say something in defence, quick!"
so I replied, "why should I say something in defence? What do you want me to say?"
then MJ said, "say it looks like Scarro!"
He's the one with witty comebacks to save me (mostly from Tank), not vice versa. My Blobby damn awesome kay. He'll protect me from bullies. :P
Last Friday, the squad came over to my place.
Blob and Anita came earlier to supposedly prep cases as team 1. Blob got distracted by Disney Channel. Plus, Aqilah developed a crush on him (she gets her taste in guys from me? D:) so she kept acting coy around him. Sheesh.
As has been the recent trend to occupy visitors at my house, they played GHWT.
I tried to set up the two new controllers for the instruments, but it just confounded the hell outta me for an eternity. Blob, however, managed to sync them in like 5 minutes. He's an accidental tech genius. I don't know how that works, but it just is.
He is my miracle worker. Okay I should stop giving him so much credit. It was accidental, after all.
Aji sucks at the drums. He hits at the wrong time! *slaps forehead*
Blob keeps using the long metal thing (I have no idea what it's called), just 'cos I told him what to use it for. Macam cool gitu. Macam je.
After eating and while most of them were still busy playing Guitar Hero, Blob, Bhavs and I were in my bedroom. Bhavs asked if my wall was a chalkboard! I feel insulted. >:O
It's supposed to resemble the night sky, hence the stars pasted at the top. I always thought the white patches could be clouds. But a chalkboard? :S
Blob then began to use his finger to draw/write on the wall. It's still there now. Been there exactly a week already. As if I need more things to remind me of him.
Thank goodness I'm moving out of this house soon. No more black walls for my room. Will not let people have the misconception I have a blackboard for a wall. :P
Last Sunday, although I was supposed to work night shift, I decided to do another Superwoman stint and forgo resting in the afternoon to go Raya visiting with the Tasty Bunch. We started at Atiqah's house, since she would be our chauffeur for the day.
The food's always good. There's no point asking Atiqah whose effort went into it, it's always 100% maid, 0% Atiqah. :P
Han the makcik with her rolled-up sleeves
Observe our seating position (Atiqah, Shahida, Sarah, Hanisah) 'cos it's that way for the rest of the day, dunno why. LOL.
Atiqah's dad and brother are damn cute la, her dad gave her brother the camera to help take the photo of us. But while the brother is holding it, the dad is giving precise instructions on what to do, which ostensibly annoys her brother. :P
Atiqah has 3 bags!
Cool shot by Shahida
Anyway, while we were in the car, Atiqah filled us in on something the rest of us hadn't gotten updated on. It was quite juicy, especially hearing Atiqah compare this issue with some other D-grade... something. Hehe.
I don't know whether it's safe to say here, but it was funny hearing Atiqah bitch like that. ;D
Han trying to help arrange my fringe into bangs
Ma meilleur ami et moi
Emo Han (eksyen je)
From Atiqah's, we set off to Mike's place.
We were served (by choice) my favourite pink drink, 7-Up raspberry. :D
Plus-sign ice cubes
The food here was scrumptious. It was Thai-themed delicacies, there was pineapple rice, green curry chicken, and mango salad, plus ayam masak merah. (Y) I hope I get to visit Mike's place again next year, just to eat. :P
While we were eating and engaging in conversation, Mike's mum suddenly interjected about me, "eh, suara dia ni bagus ah. Kalau pergi kelas vocal eh, power tau" (eh, her voice is good ah - if she goes for vocal classes, sure power) and it was super unexpected, so we were all like eyeing each other.
So we kinda told her I'd actually joined Singapore Idol, and she began telling Mike "kan Mak bilang kau, Mak memang boleh kenal suara" (loosely: didn't I tell you, I can recognise quality voices).
And we all began laughing, so she said, "Betul ke borak? Mak tak nampak kat TV pon!" (Are you telling the truth or pulling my leg? I didn't see her on TV!)
And then we all chorused, "BETUL! (Really!)"
Hehehe. His mum is really cute.
We then went back to the living room, watched a bit of MTV, during which Kanye West dominated airtime with his myriad self-produced songs plus collaborations. Mike's mum kinda requested a song from me, which we all managed to weasel me out of. :P
The purely unintentional repeat positioning.
Then we hopped over to Han's place in Sembawang. Except it wasn't a simple time hopping over, we got lost. In Singapore! D:
'Cos Han forgot to inform Atiqah in advance of some direction, who then missed a turning. So we went into Mandai Road, which is a pretty long stretch, went back towards Yishun, and then decided to go back through Mandai Road towards SLE. *slaps forehead*
While the other 4 occupants of the car were stressing over the directions, Shahida and I were chilling over Merci chocolate and awesome, orgasmic (to me) music. Mike had tapped onto the car's radio system with his Mp3 player or something, so it played his choice of music.
And he played these really cool songs, which were mash-ups of the best and most compatible tunes ever.
Like, it would start with Coldplay, and there we are singing along to it, and another hit song would be added on (like something from The Killers or Muse or whatever), and it all sounds so finely juxtaposed, like it was meant to be.
I can't explain, you gotta listen to the songs yourself. Go search norwegian recycling. :D
My favourites are the one which starts with The Scientist (I can't find it though D:) and something called 8 Become 1, which features Where is the Love?, She Will Be Loved, and more.
Shahida and I take no notice of the fact that we are lost. :P But kudos to Atiqah for handling it well! :)
The oh-so-sexy Shahida. Have I told you how pretty Shahida is? She's got the nicest-coloured irises and the prettiest lashes, and a nice nose bridge, unlike my non-existent one.
(I ♥ that you kept saying you were turned on by my hotness HAHAHA.)
We finally, finally reached Han's place after an hour or so of driving from Harbourfront. There, we watched the Singtel Mio counterpart for Starhub Cable's MTV.
We'd been watching around 3 music videos, when Atiqah and Shahida asked what show it was, 'cos it seemed like a countdown. They'd seen the number at the corner of the screen decreasing from 25 to 23.
Then I thought I'd seen 23, and then 23 again so I said it wasn't a countdown.
To which Hanisah agreed. Thus began the persistent argument between both sides on whether the show was indeed a countdown.
Han (extremely confidently): It's not a countdown! Hello, it's my TV! I know it best kay!So of course we decided to monitor the situation, and what else could transpire but the next video showed a lower number. Heh. Bimbo point to Han!
Just like at Mike's house, with MTV, Kanye was the main person to feature in the most videos. Ergh. I'm so sick of him. His ego is way too big for the "talent" he has.
For the third time, we are in the same position! Except this time, Mike's in the photo! But still, we were really acting as if we were programmed to sit in such a permutation (although nobody realised).
Between each house, Mike has to remove and put on Atiqah's shoes for her. Bertuah betul! :O I wish I had a boyfriend to do such a thing. Actually, I just wish I had a boyfriend.
When we were leaving Han's house to head for mine, Shahida said, "I forgot how to camwhore" which undisputedly was the most bimbotic thing we heard throughout the day. 3 bimbo points to Shahida!
Bimbo taking photo with lens cap on! But she did this shot intentionally, so no bimbo point.
1 more bimbo point to Han for being so engrossed in her make-up reapplication :P
Mike struggles to keep his eyes open against my camera flash. Heh.
On the way to my house, Atiqah asks if it's gonna rain and says she "saw thunder" but since she was indeed the capable driver of the day, I shall excuse her of a bimbo point for that.
Mike then gets panicky and says "no no no!" when the song on his mp3 thing is about to change. He's not fast enough and we hear a bit of Love Story. HAHA bimbo point to him. :P Actually nothing wrong with guys liking Taylor Swift, right? ;)
At my house, we reversed the order by taking photos before doing anything else.
Haha I dunno what they're doing to Han!
Yay, we finally changed positions!
Hahahaha look at Mike the sissy's poses! Tsktsk. (Y)
My family wasn't home so there wasn't anything to serve them but Swensen's ice-cream mooncakes.
Thank goodness they all enjoyed it - especially Mike who was so eager to finish up the flavours that the rest had tasted.
And then of course we moved on to GHWT.
Mat and Minah rockers - have you seen a more traditional way of rocking than in Raya clothes? \m/
Afterwards, Atiqah drove me to the airport for my night shift. We were supposed to take a photo of the 4 of us in the back seat. But I looked horrible in my work clothes so I deleted the photo. :S
Here's a photo of Mike crouching to take the photo of us though. LOL.
2 of my 4 best friends :)
Here's an illusionary photo that Shahida took that makes it seem like Atiqah was going at a fast pace - it's an illusion, Atiqah's such a road hogger, she kena horn like nobody's business!
I'm sure Han would be a speed racer in contrast, but let's talk about that when Han actually has the balls to utilise her licence and drive on the road, kay. :P
The entire day, Shahida kept going on about how misleading the banana plushie looks being hung from the rear-view mirrow. She finally took a photo of it at night. -.-
On the way to the airport, Atiqah asked, "do I take the exit on the left or right?"
So I answered "left", before realising, "eh, all the exits are on the left of the expressway, what're you talking about?!"
5 bimbo points to the driver for asking a driving-related bimbo question! :P
The symbol of my workplace.
So anyway, I kept burping on my night shift. Even while sleeping, I'd interrupt myself with loud burps. Must've been all the gassy drinks I'd had. I wish Syafz could've been there with the Tasties, I'm sure it'd have been marginally more fun.
But either ways, I had a blast this Raya. Thanks and sorry for all my shortcomings! XOXO.
Labels: 8 become 1, family, ghwt, hari raya celebrations, the tasty bunch
Inked in pink at 5:13 PM |
0 pink thinkers
(I DON'T WANNA LOVE YOU IN NO KINDER WAY)
(music: Broken Hearted Girl - Beyoncé)
You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
'Cos I can’t erase the times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day
I love this song. I don't know what it means, actually. The lyrics of the first half sound like a break-up song but then it progressively becomes almost a love song, LOL.
I think it reflects how I feel. Or how I don't know what I'm feeling. Even after a month of "separation" from Blob, I tend to be very involved with him. But I like it, even though we are not in a relationship and have no obligation to each other.
I like knowing that he will be there to back me up and I, in turn, will definitely be there as his moral support. I like knowing that I can cry in his arms, that he will push me to the best of my ability, that he is fighting to help me.
Of course, there is only so much he can do, but the fact he's willing to do so makes me feel better.
I hope there is some other guy to make me feel the same, for me to be able to show my weaknesses, knowing that he'll be strong for me. At the same time, he'll make me feel like I'm the strong one. Sigh. I got damn high expectations now. Think I'll never get attached.
I am quite stoned. I am starting this post at 6.41am, after about 9 hours on night shift (3 hours to go!).
Tonight has been pretty interesting. We got to witness a skytrain exercise. They pretend got fire in the skytrain, then got paramedics rescue pretend-casualties on stretcher.
We each had a large fries from McDonald's at 3plus just now. So salty and sinful. We promised ourselves it's a once-in-a-while thing. Better be, 'cos I don't wanna regain the weight I've lost (yes I'm slimmer!). :)
I had some coffee from McCafé, coffee there tastes horrible. But my body is running pretty well so the caffeine content is probably equal to Starbucks' or Coffee Bean's? I have not felt sleepy at all.
The con though (as naturally there always is) is that I have a slight tummy upset. I'm not used to drinking coffee. :( But I shall gradually accept it. I'm an adult now. Hehehe.
I've drunk the mochaccino, used my 1-for-1 coupon (I'm an auntie that way) to get a free cappucino. But I don't think my stomach is up to consuming another cup. :/
Amanda is now sleeping soundly at the desk opposite mine. It's the first time I'm awake while she's asleep, usually I'm the one dozing.
Hope we don't get in trouble for resting. We can't possibly be walking around the whole night when the airport is a ghost town, right! Right? :S
This is how my desk looks now. I completed my fact sheets for debates already. :D
In no relation at all, here are photos of a Winnie-the-Pooh-resembling gummy bear.
(Short, stubby fingers courtesy of Blob)
Blob actually ate the hands and legs off a red one, and correspondingly the abdomen section of a yellow one and put the parts all together. Sigh. IKnowRaightz. Sometimes I don't know what I see in him. :P
My Hari Raya post will probably be up by late this afternoon. Am working on it now.
Labels: broken hearted girl, work and colleagues
Inked in pink at 5:52 AM |
0 pink thinkers
My mother is made of irony.
Yesterday I was home late, at 11+pm I had only just taken bus 34 at Tampines. She calls me, demanding to know why I was so late (my curfew is 11).
So I tell her Aji had given my team a lecture (which admittedly was very much deserved).
And she goes, "why does your coach always drag your training sessions way past 9pm? if he had more free time beyond 11pm, would he have made you stay later? why does your coach have to talk so long?"
And the irony is....
She talks on the phone, about this one point for twenty minutes, with me just putting my ear on the receiver out of familial obligation.
She'd have dragged it longer had Blob not called me and I told her I had another call.
LOL.
Oh and she said the next time the coach kept us back so late, she'd write a complaint letter to the school.
HAHAHA I swear I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing at that one.
Typical Singaporean mentality. Anything you're not happy about? Write a complaint letter.
My mother wants me to quit debates, she says it's taking too much time and she's worried I don't get enough rest with the presence of my work shifts.
It worries me that my mum does not give her erm... "permission" or "respect" in debates. It's harder to do things that your parents are against.
I know she's worried. But sometimes worry is unnecessary.
I'm 19. I know how to handle my time. I know what to do to keep from being tired, or how to cope with being tired.
The more she's worried about me and tries to control how I spend my time, the more time I spend worrying how to get around her worry.
The saddest thing about this all is that, no matter how much we try to avoid it, we always fall into the trap of having all the traits that we hate most about our parents.
Because it's all we remember when we're parents ourselves. What we hated, it's the most familiar aspect of being a child.
Labels: nothing in particular
Inked in pink at 11:34 AM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson)
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I love how Kelly Clarkson songs always have lyrics (you and) I can relate to.
I am tired. Penat. 累. Exhausted. Pooped. Shagged. And all other synonyms you can get from Thesaurus.com.
This cannot continue. I am a future flight attendant. I must get used to working irregular hours, and resting fewer and irregular hours.
Aside from physical tiredness, I have been sporadically feeling incomplete, like I have no purpose in life. No, I'm not saying I don't like my life. My life, per se, it is fine and nice and enjoyable.
But I don't see a purpose. There is a lack of why I'm doing things. I am no longer content with living in the moment, for the moment. This is all Blob's fault. I swear, everything I feel nowadays is his fault. Without him, I would not feel.
That last sentence before this, I don't know where it came from. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't understand it either. I'm tired, just don't ask.
I wonder how atheists live. How are they contented with living life not believing in a higher purpose, something to come after? How do you go through everything just moment by moment? Teach me, I want to learn.
(The last paragraph directed at Viv, because I know not of any other atheists who read my blog. That says a lot about the people I mix with. Hmm?)
Again, I am losing faith. Faith, it is hard to explain. It is the easiest thing to lose but nobody wants to lose it. I will not be the first. It's almost like a competition, to see who can hold on longer and tighter.
Like a belief automatically becomes truer and the superior one if nobody from that faith lets go, or take longer to let go.
Excuse my random thoughts, I know I'm dropping everything everywhichwhere.
I HAVE NO/ZERO/NON-EXISTENT STRUCTURE. D: ;_;
(Sorry, that was a debate-connected random thought.)
Work has been great. So, so great. I'm really learning. I love the airport. One day, when I'm feeling more structured, I will blog properly.
For now, you should know
- Buggy rides with Adrian and Amanda at night are so fun. HAHAHA Amanda gets damn excited when she gets to drive. It is so windy and cool at night, and Adrian is a speed demon. Adrian says you need a class 3 licence to drive the buggy, so I can't. I wonder if he is bullshitting me. D:
- Amanda and I went to tag along Rakhee last Friday night to receive Beyoncé at Gate C19. Her arrival was not made known and therefore there was no crowd except a few staff members privy to the information.
Beyoncé, right there, about 5 feet away from us, stepping out from the aerobridge, with no crowd. She smiled and waved at us. :D :D :D But she really not so curvy! She looks thin and normal. As Rakhee said, "her butt not that big what!"
Black Eyed Peas departed on the day Amanda and I were on morning shift but by the time we learnt of their flight, it was too late! :(
- I absolutely love taking minutes for briefings conducted by Adrian or Simon. They are the funniest and their meetings are the juiciest. There is mention of anything and everything under the sun. Like even pink furry handcuffs. Hehehe.
- We saw a guitar in Lost & Found. How anyone can lose a guitar among all their baggage, I don't know. But damn cool. You can really find anything in Lost & Found. Feel like rummaging through and taking photos to blog about, but number one, it'd be weird, number two, I'd probably be too tired and lazy to blog anyways.
Okay I'm seriously not in blogging mode. I have half a mind to copy+paste my SIP e-journal here for you all to read about my internship LOL.
Tired lah. Last night's shift, albeit interesting, was particularly draining. Gonna get more sleep. Take care! XOXO.
PS. Happy 60th birthday China, and Happy Children's Day!
Labels: already gone, nothing in particular
Inked in pink at 7:47 PM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: Addictive - Truth Hurts & Rakim)
Yesterday, I stumbled on my manner, once again.
When I first improved on my manner, I used to have a very angry, worked up style of speech. Then I thought I would be fine being more relaxed, so I grew quite comfortable with a slow manner.
But general feedback is that it seems as if I don't have passion, I don't have conviction in my speech. It seems I'm meant to be angry after all. I need to have that fiery bitch back, and you're gonna see it in my next debate. :D
I broke into team 1 for interpolys. It's not something I'm taking for granted. I worked for it, and I'm going to work to keep my place.
Nobody but myself knows how much I want this.
This is it. In my almost three years of debating career, I have not reached any considerable achievement (in terms of accolades, as compared to the knowledge I daresay I have gained).
This is it. I want this, I want to be in the finals in team 1, I want to win the finals. I will work for what I want. If, should anything make Aji pull me out from team 1, hell I will work even harder and improve myself to prove that I deserve my place back there.
I am prepared for any possibility, knowing Aji's whims and fancies. But nothing will throw me off. Because nothing and nobody can keep me from what I want.
I clearly don't know what I'm in for, never having been in an interpolys team and never experienced their training firsthand. But again, I will remember what Aji has always said. Scoldings and dissings and rebukings can go either way.
Good or bad depends on how you use it. And I will try to use it positively.
Blob and Anita are my teammates, they broke first and second (I was third to get through). I have a feeling we'll be a cohesive team, at least I hope so. We're gonna show Blob that female teammates can kick as much ass in a tournament, apparently he's always gone with guys.
Thanks to all the support from all the darling girls in the squad. You're the sweetest. Especially Irene and Bhavs, for all the help thus far. *two thumbs up*
I'll prove that Sunshine is no pushover.
Bring it on, baby.
On another note, yesterday between 10.02pm and 10.25pm, I was stuck on the stretch of road along Tampines Ikea. It usually takes maximum 5-10 minutes to clear that road on bus 34, but there was a massive, really slow-moving jam last night.
I was on the way home from dinner with the debaters, and I was really tired and grumpy. So these were my thoughts.
Angry, irrational Sarah: ARGH@!(@*! I hate people who get into road accidents. Stupid fuckers. I don't care if they died in the accident. They deserve it for wasting so much of other people's time. They should've been more careful. If they died, it'd be a blessing to the rest of humankind.
15 seconds later -
Guilty, not so irrational Sarah: Okay la, maybe the people who get involved in road accidents don't deserve to die. I hope they get to the hospital in time.
8 minutes and 1.5 bus stops along -
Extremely slow, sleepy Sarah: *finally realises the jam is caused by road works, not an accident* They're increasing the number of lanes. Now?!!@*(!@&*&# Nabehcheebye. WTF is wrong with the government. No other time to perform road works meh. Let the construction workers do the work after midnight la, then won't affect society's productivity right. Everyone should go to hell so I can go home and sleep.
So that's it. Will blog about work later, when I'm back from Tank's Hari Raya openhouse. Byez!
Labels: addictive, debate progression, nothing in particular
Inked in pink at 10:08 AM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: Catch Me - Demi Lovato)
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unravelling
Your love is where I'm falling
Today the spotlight is on the debate squad, the people who have been constantly in my life since about 2.5 years ago.
About 3 weeks ago, at the NTU pro-ams, I was really bored during a debate.
Thus, I began drawing nonsense. Stuff written in blue ink courtesy of Irene, my teammate.
There's something else I realised. After debates in school training, if Aji is giving a really long adjudication feedback, I start doodling on my jeans. Yes, I know there's paper but it's a habit I've grown into.
I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, my two black pants have been victims and so are my 3 denim jeans. The faded light blue ones, especially, I can see blemishes/ink stains where I have written and re-written on so many times.
I absolutely have to stop this doodling thing, be it on paper or jeans. Listen to the feedback being given, woman! Easier said than done. You try not zoning out. Aji is a lullaby. :P
Last week at training, Neigh took out some Maoam candy, and Aji demanded one. He regretted it 'cos it was too sour for him, hehe.
Don then enlightened me on the obscene packaging, he called it porn candy, I think.
Does it not look like a ménage à trois? Like the twin cherries are humping the green fruit, whatever that is. Apparently, all the flavours' wrappers depict such dubious natures. I will try to find more, hehe.
How can the government blame the media for polluting children's minds when there is porn candy being sold at our local 7-E and mamak stores!
Then last Saturday, during one of the breaks between debates, something in the triangular gardens caught Don's eyes.
It was 3 mushrooms! It was so bizarrely cute. Seriously, there's no other growth in the fields except these 3. They're near the metallic structure in front of Design canteen, for those interested.
I half felt like plucking one and keeping it, but I didn't want the other two to miss their friend.
Yesterday, we were waiting for Aji for about 2 hours.
Blob started playing some version of Pokemon on the LT computer. Despite finding it really lame, the rest of the guys and a few girls were drawn towards watching him since there was nothing else to do.
(Watch the second one to the end, it's kinda cute - even Anita thinks so)
Just watching him play Pokemon drove us to conversations of master balls (supposedly of a Poké nature) and "master bait".
Everytime Blob battled a Magikarp(someone kill me for knowing the name of the Pokémon) and the Magikarp went up and down with its gaping mouth, we all made references to BJ.
And while we were watching, Rabies looked like he was cupping the microphone with his hands and mouth and going down on it. And then Rabies stepped on Box's foot, and Box made a rather disturbing orgasmic-resembling noise. That was a hilarious highlight.
Can't help it la, we are the horny generation. Everything = sex.
Anyway, towards the end, when the rest of us were losing interest in watching, Blob began proclaiming "Awww I am so strong! Look at what I can do!" and other things along that line, regarding his game character.
So I randomly remarked, "You actually think you're cool doing that? Do you think these things aloud when you're playing this at home? You've always wished you had an audience to boast all these 'cool' things to, right!"
And then he actually shut up and turned red. Seriously, ask Rabies, Don and Anita (Yat had gone to get some grub, yo :P) they saw him blush too. HAHAHA. :D
I totally hit a raw nerve - we have concluded Blob really does think he's cool, and has always been secretly hoping for an audience for playing Pokemon.
Pokemon, you know. If it was any other first person shooter or war strategy games, okay la, quite cool and can have audience. But it's Pokemon! *slaps forehead*
Tsktsktsk. The weird thing is, 6 years old as he thinks he is, I can never tire of this guy. I love his pseudo-maturity or pseudo-childishness, whichever the hell he actually is. I love his ability to entertain people, or at least myself, by doing stupid things. Sigh.
Get over it, Sarah. Get over it! D:
After a while, Anita and I joined the girls in their Truth or Truth session. More interesting than Pokemon, but of equally zero relevance to debates.
The debate squad have always had a stark girl-guy divide.
The guys think the girls are pointlessly shallow and all we know is shopping and make-up and politicians' wives' fashion sense. The girls think the guys are pointlessly immature with their games and the fact that they worship vices like alcohol and sex.
Both sides are undeniably right and true, but the one thing that connects all of us is that we like to argue. ;)
Yesterday, Anita and I wore the same shoes. And she's my current teammate (for phase 2 of tryouts)! Cool or what.
Teammates that have coordinated fashion sense, connect better yo. Hahaha neither of us could believe we inadvertently wore the same shoes, especially for the first session as teammates. We just have to apply this mind-sync to our debates.
We lost yesterday's ultimate crappy debate, though. Boo for 4 minute speeches.
Labels: catch me, debate stuff
Inked in pink at 1:07 PM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: Feeling Good - Muse)
As the majority of you know, I was posted to Changi Airport Group for my 5-month internship. It began the Wednesday before last, but the 8 days which we've turned up for have been for training and administrative stuff.
I begin my official tenure with a night shift tomorrow.
Night shifts are 10pm-10am, day is 10am-10pm. Sounds crazy enough, but crazy can be good. Every two work days are followed by two off days. Essentially means we're working only half the month, or something like that?
Plus, let's just say the eight interns with CAG are getting a generous, sizeable amount more in our monthly allowance than the bulk of interns from TP HTM. (Most are getting between $400-500.)
On one of the days, we were led around by our ex-seniors(they've left since) who were showing us the ropes and we went into the butterfly park in T3 transit.
The butterflies there are so prettily patterned and they're so tame too! They like flying onto people. :D
Dilah and her supposedly Mariah Carey pose :P
The as-yet-hatched(?) cocoons on display
We were all so awed by the butterflies, so touristy. Anyway, we saw a purple butterfly crushed on the ground. :( :(
On another day, we had a grooming workshop, conducted by Ms Norezan. She demonstrated make-up techniques on me. Now I feel so inadequate without make-up, sigh. It's a cruel world we live in.
Us with the friendly CSOs, Ms Sulaiha and Ms Norezan :)
Then we went into Budget Terminal for a short walkabout.
We went out into the apron to view a Firefly carrier take off. Wanted to take a video but it was super effing noisy, I was worried we might all go deaf but nobody brought up earmuffs so I didn't, either. ;P
Last Monday, we had a short visit to Crowne Plaza, the hotel at T3.
First thing we girlies did was, naturally, recce the toilet/restroom/johns/powder room/whatever you please.
Not as extravagant as other hotels', but satisfactory, especially with the wall-to-wall full-length mirror (essential for ladies). :)
Oh, Crowne Plaza was so enticing.
Apparently all the deluxe rooms have only a glass panel (pure glass, not even frosted) separating bed from the restroom, to allow the guest the convenience of watching the TV in his room from the bathtub. Luxurious, yet practical.
And the room which we visited had a really to-pay-for (to-die-for would be pushing it) view, which is of both the control tower and full-frontal view of planes taking off from the airport runways. Cool or what.
I wouldn't mind staying at the hotel sometime. I'd so get the deluxe and do the whole open-bath thing. Let's see who else would be in the room with me, hahaha. Plus, bonus is that we interns get a staff rate. :D
Aside from the airport hotel, we also get 15% staff discount for most of the merchandise at the airport, both public and transit area. Before I was aware of the scope of my work, I'd actually planned to save a fair bit of money monthly but now I know that's just wishful thinking.
My lovely TP colleagues have been introducing me to a whole new realm of branded goods.
We keep walking into branded goods stores like Gucci and Prada and Bally and Burberry (I'm hatefully envious of Emma Watson - die you stupid ugly smart pretty bitch!) and surveying the items.
I've started to mentally calculate how much of my monthly pay would be left over if I bought this perfume and that make-up kit and whatnot, for myself and everyone else.
And there's an Apple studio, too. Sadly, I've never owned an Apple product, and now I feel like it's the perfect chance to get something.
Staff discounts on branded goods!!! Shopping galore!!!
Sheesh no no no. This is not what I'm working for.
Let's pray and see how I, and my bank account, get through the next 5 months.
Apart from the goods, there's the food too. There is an endless possibility of food choices just within the airport. There are restaurants and bars and cafés and snack joints and chocolate confectioneries. Oh noes! Woe betide my weight and wallet.
K stop it.
On one day last week, we used the CCTV system for the first time, to obtain details of a complaint. Some woman had said she'd fallen in the skytrain and nobody helped her or something like that.
So, the group of us, using the skills we'd just imbibed (chey I don't even know if it's the proper word), extracted the footage needed.
We saw the woman running for the skytrain, and she tripped on her own and fell forward straight on her front. To make matters worse, the doors closed on her whilst she was halfway inside the skytrain and halfway still at the terminal platform.
We hadn't expected her to fall so flat like that, so when we first saw the footage, we all went "Hurgh!" as in a shocked sharp intake of breath.
Quite cool, for the first time we were exposed to the system. Cool in a morbid way.
I've learnt never to do anything remotely dubious at the airport. Granted, there won't be someone watching every corner all the time. But I'm not taking any chances. We saw a group of 3 girls camwhoring using the skytrain doors' reflection as a guide.
Imagine if my supervisors saw that. Especially Simon.
Before I tell you about Simon, I'll tell you about the next experience we had with the CCTV system. We were at Terminal 3 (all 8 of us will be situated at terminal 1 when our shifts start), just to survey T3's TOCC room, which is currently bigger and much better-equipped than T1's.
We saw.... A girl somewhat taking off her clothes. At basement 3, near the carpark. Then we all got damn excited and interested. Jereborne and Ivan kept zooming the cameras to get a better view of the supposedly pink bra, or whatever. :P
But then our hopes were dashed, 'cos we realised she was just dancing, with this other guy. -.-
The police officer and terminal manager who're permanently based at the T3 TOCC told us that it was normal for unusual things to occur at T3. Apparently, there's so much unused free, clean space, that that teenage couple in particular, love to practise their dance routines there.
Although the officers refused to tell us concrete details, they kept saying "we've seen much worse", and Ivan speculated stuff like blowjobs and you know, going-the-whole-way, and they didn't outrightly deny it, so.
We asked whether the officers would go up to these people and tell them off, but they said they don't do anything "unless it's disturbing operations". What it means is they get a free show courtesy of CCTV surveillance! :O
I think the permanent officers rather enjoyed the badgering and queries from us noobs. -.-
And now about the DTMs. The duty terminal managers are the people whose duties we will be shadowing during our internship. We'll mostly be dealing with customer service plus terminal operations ie. monitoring whether equipment work, etc.
So there are 9 DTMs for terminal 1, on shifts. When we were introduced to Simon, I took an instant liking to him. I think he's cute in a goofy, funny way. But he's married. :(
...LOL kidding. Eh Dilah got a crush on another of the terminal managers, you guess who. Hahahah.
But anyway, right, DTM Simon reminds me very, very much of Mr Gevin Png. Serious tak bedek (no lie). They use the same cologne (don't ask how I know, I just know Mr Png has a distinct scent and now I realise Simon uses the same fragrance).
And their mannerisms are the same. The words Simon uses can be quite beng. And the way he talks. Like he'll drag some words out, 'cos he's lazy. And he also keeps shaking his leg, like an impatient gesture!
But despite these, you know there's a refined side of Mr Png, like he can be a gentleman if he makes a conscious effort, and the same thing goes for Simon. When Simon was introducing us to some big shot or something, he wore his suit and also spoke in a more cultured manner.
I didn't realise I knew such stuff about Mr Png. I have a crush on Mr Pras, not Png!!!! But then again, affable guys like Pngster, everyone will know and like. So I guess it's not that weird. Right?
My other favourite DTM is Adrian, who is very nice and friendly and insists he and Simon are extremely dirty-minded and look down on us interns' "co-curricular" knowledge. Hahaha. Tomorrow my shift is with Adrian, woohoo! :)
Okay la I damn tired already, can you tell by the way I'm typing? It's less restrained and less thought through before being put together.
I'm really looking forward to the internship stint. I think there's much to be learnt, a lot I can get exposed to before I move on to being a flight attendant, regardless which airline I work for.
Of course, there will be time to slack and have fun in the airport (free movies in transit! discounted food and shopping! all open to us!) *coughcough* I mean, of course I will focus on the knowledge and experience I get from working with customers on an international platform. :)
I hope the teachers at school are not monitoring my blog. If they do, I hope they take my words with a pinch of salt (I never knew what this actually meant, nehmind just use only!) and don't see any harm in this post. I very lazy to edit la, sigh. I need to blog about Hari Raya also. K bye.
Oh wait, one last thing.
On Wednesday, we were at the morning TOCC briefing. It's where the DTM relays and collects information to and from the stakeholders that CAG works with. That day, DTM Deen was telling everyone that the VIPs arriving for the day would be someone from Seychelles.
Rachel was taking minutes for the meeting and she wrote "seashells". HAHAHA! I swear my colleagues are damn funny. ♥ them!!
And if you're wondering what I'm doing awake at 4am when I'm usually fast asleep by midnight, I'm trying to synchronise my body clock for my night shift
Labels: feeling good, work and colleagues
Inked in pink at 4:57 AM |
0 pink thinkers
(music: Pocketful of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield)
Take me away, a secret place
A sweet escape, take me away
I have been so busy, it's almost funny.
Soon I will forget complaining about the lack of rest, when my body has adapted to 12-hour shifts, from ten to ten on one day and ten to ten on the following night.
My mum's right, this is training for my future path as a flight attendant. Mum's always right.
Besides feeling tired more often, I'm very glad with how things are going in life. Work's good, debates training/tryouts have been going great. One step forward for me. :)
Yesterday, I was talking to Blob, and I felt like giving up on love and relationships.
Blob thinks it's the influence of The Ugly Truth, which I'd watched with Don the night before (Don was my exactly-one-week-long teammate), that has made me so much more cynical. Maybe, maybe not.
Besides influencing me to lose a bit of faith in the male population and romance as a whole, I think The Ugly Truth was funny. Don thought so too. Apparently he also thinks most of the sad, insensitive facts about guys were also true, sigh.
But it was a nice, funny movie, nonetheless.
On the topic of love.
I was telling Blob that it's going to be hard. I mean, it already is hard. Going through a relationship is a difficult, scary thing. One person may immerse themselves, put in every effort into making it work, really giving up their heart for it.
The scary thing is there is no guarantee what the other party will do. He or she might just up and leave the relationship any day. Any day. Because there is always a myriad of alternative choices for that other person.
As Blob says, it might be a similar scenario for any other pursuit in life. Much like my intent on one single career path, being a Singapore Girl. Yes, it might not work out. Heck, I might not get past the first round of interviews.
The scary thing is in a love relationship, my heart is involved.
The metaphorical heart (though I'm baffled as to why humans chose this organ for romance, it hardly looks any more pleasant than our lungs or pancreas - but I'm digressing) is possibly the most fragile non-tangible object in existence.
Yeah, of course I put in time and effort for my career, etcetera. Much as you may try, I'm not convinced it could be as tiring as a romantic relationship. It's just different on so many levels.
Once you're in a relationship in which you give up your whole heart, and it fails, then it takes so much, an infinite amount of hard work to then get over this person. And there is no way you can pretend to have as much love for the next person, to be as least affected to be able to pursue the next relationship.
People don't like failing (duh), and sooner or later, after x number of failed relationships, you're not gonna want to work for it anymore.
But then, while I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking of Blob (what's new, right?). I thought of this short story that he wrote me as a Facebook message, and it made me smile just the way it made me smile the first time I'd read it a few months ago.
The amazing thing about the physics of life is that as much as it can go the shit way and you can feel like shit, there is always an equal and opposite situation.
And yes, I feel like shit now, without Blob. But when we were dating (because I can't honestly say we were ever together), I'd never felt more contented.
I would have sacrificed so much. I could wait for hours to see him. I could skip every other thing, school or food or sleep. Just to hear his voice, to read words he wrote for me, to be satisfied if he was satisfied with life.
It's such a simple pleasure. It's happiness at its root, the kind of happiness where you can relax and let go and know you don't need to chase after money or more time or anything, because the person you have is all you want, and that's enough.
It's a contentment(I think I just made up this word) and satisfaction that makes the world seem so shallow and unnecessary. And I know that kind of blissful ignorance is better than owning all the material things that I desire.
And that's why, I guess, it's so important for people to want love so much. Yes, the risks are there. There's a lot at stake, the biggest gamble in the world. But you know what you get in return is worth it, a valuable exchange for your heart.
And that's why, I say, time and again, I'm an optimist at heart and I don't give up on the idea of love.
Inked in pink at 8:40 AM |
0 pink thinkers
I'M FINE, THANK YOU
Hi. I am checking in with this blog just to let you all know that I am alive and well. Past week was a busy one. My life will probably continue to be busy for the next 5 months. I'm growing to love my job, and I love debates, and those are things I gotta do.
I also now have priorities as to what I want to do, and sleep+rest are above blogging by about two notches, so.
I would have uploaded a few photos now and then, to have short, clean-cut blogposts, but my cardreader has become even more fucked over this time. I will buy a new one by Wednesday, promise.
I have been wondering, do I still collect green packets for Hari Raya this year? Later people say I'm earning already, a bit malu leh. But a bit only.
Inked in pink at 8:10 AM |
0 pink thinkers
the Princess;
Sarah Lyana
has been royalty since
11th May 1990
calls herself The Princess because "Sarah" means "princess" in its Hebrew origins
Has a passion for;
blogging, flirting, slacking,
word games like Scrabble and Taboo!
the colours pink, black and white
English; reading and writing
most mainstream pop music
travelling; something new everytime
appetising food
Contact me at;
sarah_lyana@hotmail.com
miss.pinkalot@gmail.com
Think Pink;
ShoutMix chat widget
PinkLinks;
Aaron,
Abang Hanif,
Alicious,
Andrea,
Aqidah,
Atiqah,
Avian,
Azeemah;
Beanie,
Blob,
Butters;
Canni,
Charisse,
Cheryl,
Chloe,
Christine,
Cuifen;
Ellysa,
Erin,
Eve,
Faiz;
G,
Geraldine,
Geraldine,
Gillian;
Hazimah,
Hazlinda,
Hazwani,
Hisham,
Huda,
Husna;
Jiahao,
Jiaru,
Junjie;
Kai Jie,
Kak Dila,
Kak Ina,
Kelly,
Kellynn;
Layling;
Marie,
Mavis,
Meigui,
Melyssa;
Nabilah;
Pearlyn,
Priscilla;
Rachel,
Rebecca;
Sakinah,
Sam,
Shahida,
Sheila,
Shereen,
Sheryl,
Shikin,
Son,
Syafiqin,
Syaza;
Tank,
Timothy,
Trent;
Vanessa,
Veralyn,
Vivienne;
Waany,
Weirong;
Xueling;
Yixin,
Yixuan,
Yongyuan,
Yvonne;
Zakiah,
Zhenyang,
Zhixin
Pinky Past;
Has a passion for;
blogging, flirting, slacking,
word games like Scrabble and Taboo!
the colours pink, black and white
English; reading and writing
most mainstream pop music
travelling; something new everytime
appetising food
Contact me at;
sarah_lyana@hotmail.com
miss.pinkalot@gmail.com
Think Pink;
ShoutMix chat widget